I Do Not Like Green Eggs and Ham!!

I don't like fetish balls. Just don't. I respect the people who do. I respect the people who bust their humps to put them together. I respect the reason for them. If I liked to play dress up I would probably like them better.

But...

I am a consensual sadist. I like it when the *bottom* is in pain, uncomfortable, embarrassed, whatever.

Corsets pinch and inhibit my breathing

8" heals will send me to the emergency room with a twisted ankle. I was a little girl feminist and refused to wear the 2 inch variety--so now the 2 inch variety just *hurts*.

Stand and Model S&M gives me tics.

I don't drink.

I hate really loud music. I get enough loud Mexican tuba music where I live anyway.

I don't like mosh pits.

If I see people dressed like that I want to *play*. Yet playing is not allowed. Unless you spend your vacation money on a darned VIP room.

I don't generally want to spend the sum they want to charge me for the privilege of standing in a crowd, shoes and clothes pinching (or feeling like a dweeb because I wore something *comfortable*) waiting for the damned loo.

I am ready to be suspended by hooks. I want to learn how to suspend others by hooks. I am so over the gawking phase with the damned hooks already. Please!!

So....unless you want me to perform, or poke someone with sharp objects, or run the caning both, or do something *useful* there....

I ain't going.

Like I said--nothing against fetish balls. I love people who love fetish balls.

I also don't like plain cottage cheese, and yet D. whom I respect hugely, eats the stuff all of the time.

Do you like Green Eggs and Ham?

I do not like them, Sam I am.

I do not like green eggs and ham

Would you eat them here or there

I would not eat them here or there.

I would not like them anywhere.*

So if you are gonna name something a ball that does not fit this description and then want me to come....

Tell me what it really is. Or I ain't coming.



*With Apologies to Dr. Seuss.

No Warmup?

Something Radagast (Radspace) posted a few days ago got me thinking:

The assumption with most scenes is that the Top will do some sort of warm-up to ease the bottom into things and get the endorphins flowing gradually.

IME--This is an example of one of those things that should be taken as a useful guideline, not a hard and fast rule. In other words, if you see a no warmup scene in the dungeon don't freak out and start thinking the Top is a lousy player. In my travels I've actually collected a surprisingly large number of instances in which a warmup would actually work *against* the scene.

1. Punishment (discipline). Rad described this one well. Whether you are getting punished for something real or doing punishment for a role play punishment should--well--hurt. Folks I know who have punishment as a kink have it precisely because they get something out of the fear, shock, and the fact that their endorphins are never allowed to overshadow the pain. If one wants punishment simply for behavior modification then it needs to be adversive. Scenes with warmups are not adversive. So for punishment (real or Memorex) I start out hard and work up to harder. For the initial swats I want shock and awe, but I don't want the person to kick me in the nose, suddenly develop the strength to move cars, or fly through a wall (with or without me in tow). So I don't pick up the 3/4 inch thick cocobolo 16 hole BottomBlaster 2000 at this point. I pick up a wooden hairbrush made of a softer (but still hard) wood.

The BottomBlaster comes out later as the endorphins kick in and I still want to continue getting the same reaction (if the punishment *needs* to last that long). In my experience it is the disappointment of the Top that punishes at least as much as the swats in a punishment scene that is intended to help alter real behavior. In more of a role play situation, it is the fear of the relentlessness of the top and the loss of control that does the emotional work to compliment the physical swats.

2. Cathartic scenes: Pretty much the same thing--except the intent is different. In the punishment scene I present a stern, impersonal, no-nonsense face. After the scene I may reassure the person that I still love *them* (but not the behavior). But there is no long aftercare.

In a cathartic scene I first want a general idea of why the person needs it. Do they need to grieve something? Has life gotten so stressful that they have gone emotionally numb? Are they blocked either creatively or in their ability to solve a problem? I figure that out (vague is OK) and ask them to start to sit with those feelings and hold them nonjudgmentally the best they can. That starts to prime the pump. Then I spend time looking them in the eye and I ask them if they trust me to give them what they need. When I feel the bond I can begin. The object here is to shock the mind out of its defensiveness and out of its distractions. It is rather hard to keep something suppressed or keep rationalizing something away if one's mind keeps getting yanked back to *swat* NOW *swat* NOW *swat* NOW, etc.

Verbal comments may break the dam if one has enough information to provide effective ones. Of course the catharsis can come in the form of laughing, crying, having a temper tantrum, etc. I end up spanking (or flogging) well into the initial show of emotions. There is this bone in most people's heads that goes into shame mode when emotions start to flow strongly. Continuing the spanking quiets that down just as it quiets down any other monkey mind antics the brain pulls. I've had people go through waves of all sorts of different emotions at the business end of a flogger or cane. The top, IMO, is definitely in service mode for this. One cannot stop until it is "done" regardless of achy shoulders or sweaty toy handles.

Aftercare is the polar opposite of the punishment scene. You have now become a minister of sorts and after the scene is over your job is to stay with that person, transmitting love without judgment and without "trying to soothe the pain away" until that person is done with whatever they need to process. Check-ins the next day are critical. I've heard of scenes going so deep that the Top does not leave the bottom that night, especially if the bottom does not have another supporter to go to.

Now punishment scenes can go cathartic. If I have a bottom I have punished for failing to keep track on his diet and suddenly he starts sobbing and raging about how his mother pulled "Mommy Dearest" tricks with his food when he was a child, obviously I am going to scrap the punishment aftercare subroutine and go with the same aftercare I would use for a catharsis. It is not a reward at this point--the person has obviously come to the core of some of *why* he has misbehaved and sticking around can help him heal it.

3. Rite of Passage. I've been through this twice, though not with spanking. There is really no warmup for an 8 gauge hook. Piercing or tatooing often get used as a rite of passage in our (mainstream) culture. "Hey I got divorced and then got this cool tatoo of a butterfly on my back! This is symbolic of my metamorphosis and new freedom." Rite of passage can be used as a bookmark, as a symbol that something has changed, or as a way to discover new strengths. A slave who takes a nose piercing (painful) and then puts in a large piece of jewelry at the behest of her owner and goes about her business for a week (embarrassing) has simultaneously marked her passage into being this master's property, has acknowledged the change, and has discovered that she can cope with physical pain, emotional fear, and social embarrassment (making her a stronger person)

4. Going for a spiritual experience. Fast for 2 days, then hang off the ground by two hooks in your chest. You might just see the light. On a more subtle note, flooding your body with shock and endorphins might thin the veil between you and whatever your belief system is. You might hear from God, or the gods, or the Universe, or what have you. You might get "hits" regarding what you need to do next to fulfill your life mission.

5. Ordeal #1: How much can I take? How far can I go? Can I really do *that*? Interrogation scenes fall into this category. No warmup there. I once saw an interrogation scene which resulted in one of the bottoms being reassured of the depth of his love for his fiance. Beautiful stuff. Sometimes though you just want to know if you can take 9 judicial style cane strokes. Or whatever. Some people are thrill seekers and limit pushers: "Can I sack that peak? Can I run 50 miles through Death Valley in midsummer? Can I play with that singletail top going full tilt?

This one can go really stupid though. If extremely masochistic bottom A challenges Insecure Ego Top B that the Top will tire before the bottom does, you have a recipe for trouble. I won't play this way, but if someone took away my conscience I could really do some damage with 1,000 cuts of a singletail before I would tire out. Not smart. Especially if you have a poor sense of when you physically have had enough--and when you are nearly delirious with pain that sense will be poor. Extreme pain *confuses* the brain.

6. Ordeal #2: Obedience. How much can I take for my Master? Does my capability to obey have a limit? Can go stupid--but also can be used to bond slave and Master if used well. It can also be used to push on phobias and fear areas and thus aid growth--if used very carefully. Warmup? Not likely.

And no--these are not nice neat categories in real life. There is plenty of room for overlap. However, they come in handy when I am negotiating. If I am lucky the prospective bottom tells me "That is what I want! I did not have the words for it though and nobody else ever talks about that particular thing!"

Play Party Yesterday

Yes, I am a happy camper today. I went to a play party yesterday that turned out very nicely.

I had arranged for one person to play with me who did not know that I play with singletails. He is turning into a dedicated spanking enthusiast (among other things) and has a nice masochistic streak. He told the resident TNG singletail expert of his desire to experience a singletail scene. Said expert was busy and referred him back to me. I had not planned to use any specific implement on his behind so we decided make it a singletail scene.

So I got to pop his cherry. I am developing a love affair with singletails. Any implement that can be as subtle or as fierce as you wish gets high marks from me. That and I have reached the "effortless effort" point with regards to my ability to wield it. I am not sure that the bottom realized such a thing as "light singletail strokes" exist (that other singletail top and I tend to play on the heavy side), but I was able to get him into a sweet la-la land. I stopped short of "enough." There is an "enough" point during a scene that does not necessarily correlate with the "enough" point when one has to sit on it all week sans the assistance of endorphins. Evidently though he was happy with the artwork I left behind and wants to play harder the next time.

I then found another bottom who desired needled play. Small gauge (large) needle play. I had actually shown up with the plan of either finding someone to poke or doing needle play on D with my smallest needles.

I got to use 8 gauge needles for the first time. Yummy. Putting them in was easier than I thought. I had graduated up to 12 gauge and put a pair of them in myself last week, so this was more cool than nervewracking. I got nice deep piercings that actually looked like they may be worthy of hooks. I put 4 in and then rigged some hairbands around them to do a light pull. We both ended up wishing we had hooks and we may arrange a real pull at some point.

I found out that the verb for placing flesh hooks or any body peircing object is "throw". So I do want to learn how to throw suspension hooks at some point. After I actually get suspended (now there is a motivation to lose that stubborn 40 lbs if I ever saw one). I don't think I am into the performance artist aspect of it. I see this sort of thing as ritualistic--a personal growth tool if not a spiritual gateway.

All in time. For now I will keep playing and pulling.

Southwest Leather Conference part deux

So this is my fifth time going to this conference.

My past experiences have been a very curious mixture of complete fascination mixed with...frustration.

Last year I commented that I felt like I was in the right church but the wrong sect.

Well...sorta. SWLC is produced by folks who practice M/s as a spiritual path. I know these folks. I've spent weekends with them. This is what they do and the conference is dominated by that vibe.

I am not M/s. I am not especially spiritual (I've tried--I just can't commit to a path. Sorry).

So why do I keep coming back?

Today I finally clued into the undercurrent that has me so intrigued. If it was a snake it would have bit me on the nose years ago.

Within the Dance of Souls, within Butchmann's, within Slavemaster's practice of cathartic flogging, within a number of other rituals I can name there is one common element....the use of BDSM techniques to promote healing and personal integration and to further one's progress towards authenticity.

Ok. Duh. That only took me 5 years to see.

Do you need to have a strong spiritual practice to do this? I dunno. I am not strongly spiritual, but I am strongly oriented towards authenticity and reintegration. I know atheists who are strongly oriented towards these things.

Do you need to be a master or slave to do this? Heck no! In fact the most powerful experiences I have had within my local subculture have occurred when the master/slave barrier is temporarily dismantled.

Five years ago I participated in my first hook pull. I jumped from receiving my first 3 18 gauge needles a few months before to receiving two 8 gauge hooks in my back. I was scared witless and shitless. I bawled my eyes out when I saw the piercer. Adrenaline and fear induced endorphins killed most of the pain I would have felt, but then I was in for a new round of fear when I had to go *tug* against the darned things. That fear did not completely go away, but I stood my ground through it despite some very valiant efforts on the part of my pulling partner. I held onto a male witness the whole time and cried and yelled my way through it.

And that day I rediscovered my courage. The courage had always been there, but others had told me it was not there.

So this time I pierced myself. I am still processing that. For one thing, I did something that I've historically had a hard time doing. I went to a piercer and asked him to teach me how to do it, on the spot. I was raised to never ask for special treatment or for help.

Then I trusted myself to do it and proceeded to pierce myself with the largest gauge needle I have ever pierced anyone with. I was also raised to never trust my intuition and that day I defied my upbringing and trusted it with sharp objects.

And--well, this is perhaps where my latent spiritual sense kicked in. When I grasped that piercing needle it felt to me like a sacred object, full of power and the ability to heal. It felt like I was taking that medicine within myself by being both the doer and the doee. I completed some sort of circuit.

Now, I have made some fantastic friends in the local scene, and as usual they did not disappoint. At one point during my pull I had a tall friend of mine hitch my rope to a point about 8 ft above my head. I was on tip toes at this point and I slowly let myself down as both rope and skin stretched (I learned how *much* nylon rope stretches). At this point a female tribal witness came up to me and asked me to tell her that "I am beautiful." Leave it to my friends to know where I need to heal. Under the influence of pain and endorphins my monkey mind had completely fled and I was able to actually hear myself tell her that. There was no hiding from it. At this point a male witness whom I have admired from afar for years started reciting affirmations for me. He talked to me about sensuality and usefulness and how I often hide from both by fleeing to my mind. He was there to tell me this while monkey mind was disabled.

And I am still processing.

This is what I mean by healing and integration. This is why I attended Butchmann's 3 times when I had no intention of becoming a master or slave.

Mind you, I do BDSM for fun much of the time. I do it because sometimes I like to scare the tar out of someone or make them scream. I do it because the whole starched blouse disciplinary thing has made me wet since age 4.

However, a part of me lives for that moment when a spanking goes cathartic. I have a flogger that I take to rituals with me to soak up good "ju-ju" because I consider it sacred. It has helped several people. Fun gets me only so far. It is the healing that resonates with my core, whether it is mine or someone else's.

I named this blog "The Islander" because up to this point I feel like I've been wandering rather aimlessly from the M/s crowd to the S/M crowd to the spanking enthusiasts to the modern primitives, etc. hunting for my own island. I *am* wandering, but not aimlessly. I am looking for that which heals and makes whole--or more accurately for that which helps people heal and become whole. I find that medicine everywhere.

Dance of Souls V--Southwest Leather Conference

Yep--my fifth.

I placed my first 12 GA flesh hook today (and the same 11 or 12 GA? needle twice). The fact that my crash test dummy was myself made the experience all the more interesting.

From what I understand, piercing oneself with--whatever--has an honored place in body rituals. The fifth play piercing needle I took was from my own hand and for some reason I find that placing at least one needle in myself during ritual anchors me to the experience. I "own" it then in a very visceral way.

That said, piercing myself with something that large (twice) and placing a hook in myself was several steps beyond mind blowing.

I got the "hit" that I was to do this halfway through the introductory lecture to the dance of souls. I was worried that the piercers may not allow it, so I deliberately sought out the most twisted edge player of the bunch. STF was actually my first choice but I saw he was only doing needles (they formed two teams this year for the sake of efficiency), so I picked Master Z of Texas. He had me convinced of his delightful sick twistedness after I saw what he could do with duct tape and an power stapler at an earlier demo. I figured if I fucked it up he would mop up the blood, grin, and take over. I also had an inkling he might like the show (he did). I asked a couple of SL friends to witness. Despite the fact this was their first dance they did with much love and without so much as a flinch.

I told Master Z where my knowledge of how to do this ended, so he helped me figure out depth and placement on my chest. I actually found that doing it myself made it less painful, even though I probably was twice as slow getting the needle through as he would have been (I wanted to get it to the right depth and I was not worried about whining from my "bottom"). He put in the first hook as I watched.* I asked to put in the second hook after I placed the piercing needle on the other side and to my surprise found doing that part took at least as much strength and a bit more aggression than did shoving the needle through. I was also drunk as a skunk on my own endorphins by this point and the concept of push and pull was not completely registering. Despite this I managed to get the hook 95% through before asking Master Z for help. He gave it a tiny shove and had the grace to tell me that basically I had done the job myself.

Of course I can't adequately describe how doing that made me feel. The word "empowered" comes to mind. Never had I felt so much ownership of anything. This ritual had become, viscerally, mine. I needed that very much. I was also immensely satisfied.

To my surprise and pleasure the subsequent pull was very comforting. My instinct had guided me the correct spots to pierce. The sensation felt maternal and safe and protected, much like I would imagine a kitten might feel when carried around by the scruff by mother. Even when I went into semi-suspension and the pain kicked up that underlying solidity was there. I had, literally, built my own wings and found them more than worthy for flight. I called myself beautiful at the prompting of a witness. I licked my ropes, licked Master D's hand, licked the wood frame, and kissed a female witness twice on the lips. I blissed out and let the whirl of sound go through me...

The first pull was about courage. The second...about building wings perhaps. For what, who knows. Of course more will come to me, verbally and non-verbally, as time goes on. I know though that this was transformative. I feel it.

* Hook piercing is done like any other piercing. The first thing to go in the body is a straight hollow piercing needle. Once the point of the needle penetrates through the skin the point of the hook is placed in the "bevel" (hollow point) of the needle. The needle acts like a sheath guide for the hook as it travels under the skin and the needle is ultimately shoved out of the skin in the opposite direction it went in. It is the curve of the hook, I think, that demands a decent push at this stage. An 11 or 12 GA needle, evidently, stays sharp enough to be reused for the rest of that same person's piercings.