About time I posted, eh?

Been chasing bats out of a bellfry.

I've spent the last few years thinking: "I am not attracted to M/s--what is wrong with me?"

There are a couple of reasons for this. For the sake of keeping the peace I am not going to mention reason #1. WRT to reason #2-- my life has been such that I have learned to regard an "ethical authority figure" as an oxymoron. Yeah, I know it is not. Hold the rotten tomatoes. But hey, people have lived whole lifetimes with crazier beliefs stuck in their heads. I am easing this one down the proverbial steps....

That said I still don't think I am wired for M/s. I've been around the lifestyle way too long to say "never"--but I've not really had those fantasies.

I am not really wired to want service either. Yeah, it would be nice for someone to come clean my house or do other things to make my life easier. I've observed though that such relationships come with a fair bit of drama and struggle--and I am not wired strongly enough in that direction to want to go to that kind of effort.

There is a kind of submission I *do* crave though. I've been afraid to really think about this, though I have acted on it several times. It all goes back to that "all authority figures are Creeps" virus I have running through my head.

The experience, and subsequent writing of a friend finally gave me words.

I like it when people experience pain as a service to me. In other words, I like seeing people suffer at my own hand.

Now, there is being a consensual sadist, and there is being a sociopath. A consensual sadist only inflicts the amount of sensation the masochist wants and can handle, blah, blah, blah.

A sociopathic sadist really does not grok consent. It is not that they don't care--they truly do not *understand*. Actually, no sociopath groks consent--but it is the sociopathic sadists who are the flashiest of the breed and who tend to make the news. A sociopath also does not care if what he or she is doing is fulfilling or actively harming the recipient. That does not grok either.

I play mostly with people who desire a certain level of pain, and then they want the pain to stop. When I switch I am one of those bottoms. I do want the top to enjoy it and would be distressed (and looking for another top) if enjoyment was not mutual.

However, there is another breed of cat who considers enduring pain to be a service, and finds giving such service to be immensely rewarding. I am not that kind of cat from the bottom side at all (yikes!!). But I love topping such a person.

Topping always sends me to a good place--but these folks send me to the moon, with hands-free orgasms to boot. The bottom may not be happy with a particular moment of pain--but said bottom looks for and craves the opportunity to give suffering as service. This is not quite the "consensual sadism" route I describe above. It is a bit of a "consensual non-consent." And yet it is not sociopathic sadism either.

So there. I said it. In the spanking world my ultimate thrill would be to find that rare bird who wants an ordeal--the literal 6 or 12 cuts of the cane with no warmup. This person would want to be taken in hand and punished--without the usual (and usually necessary) elaborate ritual and physical prep to get them in headspace.

In the S/m world this means all sort of things.

There are a couple of pitfalls to this, though. While I want a bottom who enjoys suffering, I want a bottom with enough sense to tell me when harm is occuring and when I should really quit. Now, I have spent a lot of effort educating myself so I will know before the bottom does when this place has been reached. Harming someone in a bad way is a terrible thought to me. But I still need the bottom to help. I also want a bottom who *enjoys* this and find fullfillment on some level, if not in the moment. There are those running around who feel they deserve it. I don't want to perpetuate the pathology of such folks. I am pushing an edge here and I like to make sure I stay on the correct side of it.

Of course the danger is worse for the bottom who is wired this way. Sociopathic Top--yummy. They really don't seem to care and really do take pleasure in the suffering. Until--well, the realization dawns that they also don't care if one survives physically or psychologically. Hopefully one is not tied up or locked up with said realization dawns....